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[02 Dec 2009|11:17pm] |
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mood |
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I dig through old journal entries to find the one where I grew. The one where I became a different person and stopped caring about childish things. The one where I stopped becoming so selfish and ignorant.
And I dig through other's entries to pick up the pieces of them that I once knew. It makes me feel better their have someone else's thoughts swirling around in my head, rather than my own. I wish I weren't so in my own head.
Mostly, I dig through old entries to grasp on to the people I once knew, and the memories that used to be events that used to be suspended in the time of the present, hanging in the air and filling up my chest with whatever emotion followed.
Why do I feel so old at 22? And why does my mind keep wandering back to 16? Specifically a certain boy who still, even now infiltrates my dreams and sweeps me back to when, through all the chaos of being 16, my life made sense. I never thought I would yearn for earlier times, times that cause me to look down upon myself for the way I acted, the way I treated others, my ignorant ideologies, among other numerous reasons.
And why am I posting in an online journal I haven't posted in for three years? So here I am and 22, trying to figure out where exactly I grew up, and still not having any answers for myself for all of my idiotic questions.
I guess things really never change.
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[19 Jan 2006|07:25am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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Early morning...
I'm having issues of my own. Being stupid. I never thought it would come to the point where I'd be one of those girls like I read about in the magizines when I was 12 years old. The ones who were all "You never talk to me anymore!" When I would read stuff like that I would just think "Geez. Who would wanna talk to you? :/
Oh well...
It doesn't matter, because Marc is helping me with my stupid paranoia issues (the drifting) every step of the way. I'm grateful to him for that.
I don't think he knows how much I love him. I'd do just about anything for him. He's my everything and I can't imagine what I'd do without him.
I have class soon. Bleh. Only today and tomorrow to get through and I'm on my way home for the weekend.
God do I miss him so much. We need some quality time together.
I'm off to class. :'D
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| Random update |
[15 Apr 2005|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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I used to write so much.
I used to be this huge journal whore, and I wish I could just ramble like I used to. I just can't.
College seems like it's only seconds away and I can't bring my self to be emotional about leaving. I don't want to regret it later. I'll never see some of these people ever again. Never. It's so depressing, but it's not depressing me. I'm emotionless. Cold. Hurtful.
Untouched by wonderfully touching things. I wish my emotions were on the surface. I wish I could cry everytime we play Magnum Mysterium. It's so moving. At one point, when we were playing, we hit that one note, and shivers went down my back, but that's about it.
I feel...bad.
I want this emotion. I want to be emotional at my last concert. It'll be my last real band experience, and I just can't bring myself to be sad.
I don't know.
I'll just use the same excuse I always used.
"Maybe I'm just tired."
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| Well.... |
[26 Aug 2004|10:06pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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Marc and I are back together as of Tuesday. X3
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[31 Jul 2004|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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I find myself walking down a road. It seems familiar. Everytime I walk down it, it's because of a similar reason...but it changes a little bit each time I walk down it.
I feel nostalgic, and at the same time, wish not to be here at all.
All of the sudden....I wonder whether or not I should've been so quick to say no to the potential relationship between Marc and I.
Then again....I might be thinking too much about it.
I'm lonely again. I miss being in love with someone. I miss it even more because when I talk to Marc on the phone and we remeniss about our past relationship and how things used to be I feel....nostalgic.
For minutes at a time, I go back and think about old times and wonder if I would've been happy if I had tried to have that with him again.
He told me that he loves me.
And...that took me back as well. To nights where we've talked for hours on end and it was drawing to a close...mostly because I was falling asleep.
He would say good night and that he loves me..
And I would say it back..
And again I wonder....if I'm making a big mistake.
And then again...
Something still holds me back..
And I'm beginning to find out what it is..
I think....that what is holding me back is the fact that relationships can only stay innocent for so long...
And I think...
I think I'm afraid of taking it any further...
Then again...
I know that if I told him that I wasn't ready...that he'd respect that.
But still...
I don't know why it scares me.
Further more...
When I kissed him before....I felt nothing. This could just be lonliness and me reaching out to him....to fill the void...because he loves me...
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm also afraid of telling him about my second thoughts.
If it turns out that I was right in the first place...with the whole...I don't feel anything for you...thing....
Then I'm just hurting him all over again..
But if I don't tell him and it turns out that I really do want to try it again then I'll be the one who's hurt.
Further more...
If I don't tell him....I don't know how I'll ever figure this out.
I just...
I don't know.
Therefore.
This entry will be private.
*sigh*
I just don't know anymore.
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| 3, 2, 1 Let's Jam. |
[13 Jul 2004|12:15pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Tank! - Cowboy Bebop |
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Ares is actually working for me now.
I got to download "Tank!" so I'm happy.
Lots of things are going through my head right now and even though this is the perfect opportunity to talk about whats swimming in my head, I'm not going to.
The only one who needs to know what I'm talking about all ready knows whats going through my head so it doesn't matter..
I'm just tired....but I can't let that slow me down. I have Marching Band Camp tomorrow and the Freshman come Thursday and Friday. So yeah...
All right. I'm pretty much done.
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[08 Jul 2004|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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So..
I got burned at the beach yesterday...
Yeah.
And I couldn't talk to Marc again...
I just wish he would come and see me. I was really upset that I couldn't see or talk to him last night....but it's all right I guess. There's always today.
Maybe I'll get to see him...
I hope I will.
I really miss him.
Ok. That's enough for an update.
<3
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[11 Jun 2004|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Confutatis - Mozart |
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Well...
I decided to update to let everyone who reads this know that I'm still alive.
So yeah. Here I am.
I feel weird.
I feel calm yet kind of confused. I vaguely know what I want but I don't know if it's the right decision...
I just.....don't know.
I second guess myself too much and I need to stop that. I need to go with my heart and trust my own judgement.
Maybe I'm just afraid of getting hurt again....but you know....no matter what I choose that is a possibility....but isn't that a possibility with everything you choose?
I just have to take the risk.
But no matter what....I want him to be in my life. He has become such a big part of my life and I want him it to stay that way.
But yeah.
So I guess that's it for an update.
The end. <3
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[07 Jun 2004|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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If I don't get to talk to Marc soon I'm going to have a breakdown.
I know it.
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[26 May 2004|12:35am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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television |
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I want....a tattoo.....on th back of my shoulder..
Yeah....my right shoulder...
*nods* Maybe a flower....or something in japanese...
But yeah. Tattoo. XD
Anyway.....for the first time....I'm ok with Devin and I being seperated. I'm just....ok with it. So yay for that.
Oh yeah. And.....I will never have to play at graduation again.
Never. Again.
*dies of shock* OMG I SO HAPPY KSDJFAKSLDJF!!!!!!!!!111111ONEONE*seizure*
Ok ok.
Soo....
I miss Marc. He needs to call me before I go insane....
I miss my Marc. It's not fair. >__<
*sigh* Oh well...anyway....it's about....12:44....so I should probably go to bed soon....but it's summer.....so I dunno.
Oh well.
Ok. I go now.
<3
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[21 May 2004|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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Wow.
Biggest let down ever.
The first time I talk to Devin in over a month, and he can't even recognize my voice.
Plus he was busy and didn't even seem the least bit interested in talking to the person he had devoted 8 months of his life to.
Yeah.
That makes me feel wonderful.
I was excited that I would get to talk to him for the first time in a whole month. Only I was online on Gaia all day and when I looked at the clock it was 9:30.
I ran downstairs to call and he picked up and asked if I was...some girl named Julie.
Maybe he couldn't recognize my voice because I'm kind of sick...but you'd think he'd know my voice.
And you'd think he'd care about talking to me. He had friends over...or was over at a friend's house or something...but still...he couldn't even sit there and talk to me for 10 minutes.
I feel great now.
I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I was just bound to get set up for a let down.
*sigh* I miss Marc..
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[04 May 2004|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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Dearest Marc,
Happy 18th Birthday.
I hope it's the best one yet.
We'll talk soon, I promise.
With love,
Ashley
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[26 Apr 2004|09:55pm] |
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God I miss you.
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[13 Apr 2004|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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I can't remember the last time I felt this lonely.
It's definately been a while.
In fact...it's probably the most alone I've ever felt.
Or at least...
That's how it feels right now.
And there is no one to talk to at the moment.
Marc's phone isn't working again.
What a shock.
I can barely talk to him anyway. Everytime I call over there we only talk for a little bit.
I was able to talk to Devin earlier...but he told me to call him back.
When I did, no one picked up.
I left a message on his voice mail. *sigh*
Ooh well.
He's really been connected to me lately.
He knew that I was in Wilmington when I called him the other day before I even told him
And today, he knew that I had skipped school to go to the mall to shop for Bethany's birthday with my mother before I said anything too.
So..he should know how lonely I feel right now.
I just..
I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. I miss everything about...us.
It's just so hard to grasp.
We're not together anymore.
He doesn't want to get back together.
I don't know.
I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of my life away...unless my "prince charming" comes to wake me up and take me away forever.
God I'm lame.
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| happay eastah |
[11 Apr 2004|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Ash's Lurgy | | Cause: | excessive Internet usage | | Symptoms: | vomiting, food cravings, buzzing noises | | Cure: | sleep | |
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[03 Apr 2004|08:56pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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Me - Question..
Him - Answer.
Me - Do you still want all those pictures I took of myself? I mean...I did take them for you, you know...and..uh..yeah..
Him - Maybe. Are they saved on a computer file...or what?
Me - Ermm. No..they're just...pictures..
Him - Errm...It's ok.
Me - Well, I'm sure I can think of some other way to get them to you. *tries very hard to convince*
Him - No...it's ok..
Me - ...Are you sure?
Him - ...Yeah
Me - Oh....umm....all right.
*silence*
Him - Well...uh...I have to go..
Me - Ooh....why?
Him - I dunno. You're not saying anything. I'm not saying anything...We're just tying up 2 phone lines.
Me - Ooh...right...*pause* I'm sorry.. *pause* I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow...then.
Him - Yeah..
Me - right...*pause*
Him - Bye.
Me - ...bye
I can feel us drifting apart already. I hope he's not already moving on. It hurts so bad. Every conversation we have no starts out good and ends on a melancholy note. I'm so tired of this pain. Of feeling bad...but more importantly...I'm tired of the constant reminders that Devin and I aren't together anymore.
That I no longer feel happiness.
God...I feel so lonely...and I miss him so much.
He's back in town...doing some packing stuff. We're so close and yet...
I don't know.
I want to see him...but I know that if I do I'll just break down.
I don't care anymore. I have to see him. I have to make him take me back. I don't care about the fucking distance. It's only 2 fucking hours. At least it's not out of state. I have to convince him. I just have to.
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[31 Mar 2004|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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CONAN!!!!!!!111111oneoneone |
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Well I have to admit. Today was even close to as bad as I imagined it.
No tears were shed.
And I got handcuffs. *giggle* But that's a story for another time.
And it's not as perverted as you think it is. :)
He's coming back next week so they can pack all of there things..like the furniture and other stuff. They'll be staying in a hotel and he has his phone back so I can call..
But..
To tell the truth...i don't know if we're broken up or not. It wasn't really mentioned today...at all.
Ooh well.
Also...I've been slacking in biology. I haven't been doing ANYTHING at all in that class and my grade went fucking up.
Hahahaha. It's fucking insane. Hahaha. School is weird.
For instance. We're having a party in Hort 2 for no. fucking. reason.
Haha. I'm bringing cake. ^________^
<3<3<3
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[30 Mar 2004|03:40pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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I'm still going to love him...after he's gone. And I told him so today.
Tomorrow will be the last day we'll get to kiss or embrace or exchange I love you's. Nothing has any purpose anymore. I've been trying so hard to keep my emotions inside of myself. It's been so tough and tomorrow will be the worst of it all.
I just want to curl up into a ball and die when he's gone.
And it's just now hitting me, that everyday after tomorrow will be different from what I'm used to.
He's not going to be around anymore.
After Wednesday, a huge peice of me will be gone forever and it's pointless to go on without it.
Nothing will be the same. I'll wake up everyday and remember that the one thing that I looked forward to everyday won't be there anymore. Who knows if I'll even see him again.
I don't even know if he wants to stay in contact with me. I think he does...I'm sure it'll be tough at first...but I think we can at least talk.
But...I don't know if I can handle his not being here. I'd be able to handle it better if I knew that we'd still be together and I'd still get the chance to go up and see him on weekends. But no...we're just...breaking up.
This pain is overwhelming, but I'm trying to keep it inside of me.
All I want to do is burst. *sigh*
I just want to close my eyes and pretend that none of this is real.
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[24 Mar 2004|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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I wasn't going to let it bug me. I was just going to put it in the back of my mind and forget I ever found out about it.
And it worked out for quite a while.
Until the other day when I talked about how next year, he'd get 6 credits instead of 4 because of Jazz and Marching Band. He gave me a look and my heart sank.
I had forgotten. And now it's back in my face again.
This is overwhelming. I'm not sure if I can accept the fact that I have to go through next year without him.
He helped me get through this year. He was my shoulder to cry on. Always a comfort. Always there.
I have friends like that too...but it's different.
It's a different comfort.
I just feel like...next year...I won't have a reason to get up and go to school in the mornings. Marching Band won't be the same either.
I'll probably end up having more and more melt downs...especially with out him.
I've become dependent. We've been together for almost 8 months now. That has to mean something.
This isn't just a fling.
I feel like there's going to be this permanent hole in my heart.
I still can't believe that he wants to go on without me after he's gone. He just wants to move on.
I can picture it in my head. After he's gone. Calling him on the phone...in tears...begging him to take me back. Telling him that we can still talk and that we can see each other sometimes, and it'll be alright.
I can picture the scenario clearly. And in that scenario, only bad things result.
I can't help but wonder if that will really happen.
I'm so weak. Of course it'll happen. I feel I won't be able to make it through anything without him.
*sigh* I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.
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[22 Mar 2004|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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 ouch. |
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Damnit!
I sliced my fruckin' finger while cutting the potatoes...which got burned anyway cause I was online and not watching them.
T__T I'm sooooo out of it today.
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